Thanks to a
retired Air Force
officer for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable public safety
announcement from Alaska Air flight attendants ...
"I was flying to San
from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the
flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other
like 'what the heck?'
(Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an
once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said
so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is
most of it."
Before takeoff ...
Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If
you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If
going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this
The most important safety features we have aboard this plane are ...
the flight attendants.
Please look at one now.
There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the
wings, and one out the
plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows,
please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a
idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event
need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. (This
excellent advice, and something I always do.) We have pretty
blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the
exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at
the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things will
drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and
mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't
inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise.
If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like
a small child, please do us
all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with
two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is
favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I
usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer.
a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take
and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low
and tight about your
waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the
release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because
in an airplane -- HELLO!!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also
no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This
is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me
check what it is ... Oh,
here it is; the movie tonight is "Gone with the Wind."
In a moment we will be turning
off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really
fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to
reach up and
press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading
light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely
to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us
on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air and
giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we
can do to
make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing
ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing ...
Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about
the bumpy landing. It's
not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no
time in history has a
passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."
© 2006, Jace Carlton. All International Rights Reserved.