Some Great Ones
from Comedian Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat,
but for a while I was a suspect.
Everywhere is walking
distance if you have the time.
I bought some batteries,
but they weren't included.
I have an existential
map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I used to work in a fire
hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was walking down the
street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
If you shoot at mimes,
should you use a silencer?
It doesn't make a
difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
It's a small world, but I
wouldn't want to paint it.
Last night I stayed up
late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four
Last night somebody broke
into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates.
When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
Last year I went fishing
with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught
every other fish.
My theory of evolution is
that Darwin was adopted.
There's a fine line
between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What's another word for
When I woke up this
morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No,
I made a few mistakes."
You can't have
everything. Where would you put it?
© 2007, Jace Carlton. All International Rights Reserved.