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Funny Quotes

As you get older three things happen.  The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
    Sir Norman Wisdom

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
    Edgar Watson Howe

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
    Doug Larson

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.  Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
    Erno Philips

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
    Robert Paul

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
    Phyllis Diller

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
    Victor Borge

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
    W.C. Fields

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
    Will Rogers

Always get married early in the morning.  That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
    Mickey Rooney

If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
    Rita Rudner

I'm not afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it happens.
    Woody Allen

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
    Erica Jong

Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive.
    Elbert Hubbard

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
    Wendell Johnson

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
    Benny Hill

Copyright © 2006, Jace Carlton.  All International Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2005-2013, Jace Carlton.  All International Rights Reserved.